De-escalation language prompts

The way we present our concerns and ideas in meetings and written communication can inflame opposition and push people to take entrenched binary positions. This can cause conflict and reduce the opportunity for nuanced decision making on not-for-profit boards and teams.

The table below shows 10 ideas for how to translate reactive or adversarial phrasing into phrases that are more likely to lead to a positive outcome in a meeting, a collaboration or written correspondence.

When you're tempted to say...	Try instead…	Why it works
“You’re wrong.”	“That’s an interesting point; what led you there?”	Invites explanation instead of defensiveness.
"We demand..."	“We propose…”	Keeps agency without aggression.
“They don’t get it.”	“They see it differently; what can we learn from that?”	Acknowledges difference without disdain.
“That’s offensive.”	“I see that differently; can I explain why?”	Keeps dialogue open.
“It’s always been this way.”   or   “We’ve tried that. It doesn’t work.”	“Here’s what has worked before; shall we test it again?”   or   “We’ve had mixed results before; what might be different this time?”	Balances tradition with openness or   Draws on the experience in the room without killing innovation.
“We have no choice.”	“Let’s map our options and possible consequences.”	Restores agency and collective problem-solving.
“You don’t understand the governance rules.”	“Let’s walk through the governance requirements together so we’re clear.”	Teaches without patronising and brings clarity to the process.
“This is a waste of time.”	“Can we clarify the purpose of this discussion so we’re using time well?”	Converts frustration into a process improvement.
“You’re being emotional.”	“I can see this matters to you deeply; can you tell us what’s at stake for you?”	Validates emotion while grounding it in substance.
“We’re going in circles.”	“Maybe we need to summarise what we agree on and name what’s unresolved.”	Refocuses the conversation and lowers tension.