All boards and teams occasionally find themselves in hot water. A discussion that starts out being about a funding decision, a staff matter or a strategic priority can suddenly turn personal, tense or circular. You’re not sure how things got to this point, and you don’t know how to dial them down. Once you’re in this situation, clear thinking falters, defensiveness rises, and nuanced decisions become harder to reach. 

This helpsheet is designed to help board chairs, CEOs, managers and facilitators cool the temperature and return the group’s focus to constructive discussion, respect and problem-solving, keeping the organisation’s best interests at the centre. 

Productive tension is healthy in not-for-profit life; it’s how ideas are tested and improved. The aim of turning down the temperature is to keep disagreement useful rather than to avoid it altogether.  

The following checklist and techniques will help you notice early signs of heat, take small steps to reset tone and structure, and ensure meetings stay anchored in purpose rather than personalities. 

To download a word version of the checklist that you can print or interact with, please click the button below.

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1. Quick temperature check

A short list of signs that the emotional temperature is rising:

Voices getting louder or more clipped
People talking over each other or withdrawing completely
Repetition instead of progress
Sarcasm, blame, or side comments
Defensiveness or visible frustration
Someone leaves the room, upset

If you spot two or more signs, pause the process before pressing on.

2. The chair’s or facilitator’s cool-down list

Simple interventions that anyone leading the group can use:

Pause and breathe. Call a short break. Tension often needs a circuit-breaker.
Re-state purpose. “Let’s remind ourselves what we’re deciding today.”
Re-frame language. Shift “We disagree” to “We have different starting points.”
Summarise progress. Recap what’s been agreed so far; it grounds people.
Invite quieter voices. “We haven’t heard from X yet. Would you like to weigh in?”
Name the heat. “I can feel that this topic matters deeply. Let’s slow down so we can hear each other properly.”
Move from abstract to specific. “What’s one small step we can agree on today?”
Close the loop. End with a short reflection: “What have we learned from this discussion that will help next time?”

3. If you’re feeling the heat

For participants: self-calming techniques

Notice your physical signals (tight chest, raised voice, the urge to interrupt)
Ask a question instead of making a point
Repeat what you heard before you disagreed
Focus on the issue, not the person
Take brief notes instead of reacting immediately
Ask yourself: “Am I trying to be right, or to get this right?”

For chairs: calming questions that can help you refocus the group

What’s the shared purpose here?
What’s the value we’re protecting?
What can we agree on right now?
What evidence do we still need?
Consider to yourself: how will each person leave this conversation with their dignity intact?

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